My Story : Not for my glory

I Grew up in a Christian home & accepted Christ at a young age – BUT From a young age, I was surrounded by fighting, turmoil, judgements & mixed messages about what God looked like.

This Started the vicious cycle of depression & anxiety – whispers inside that constantly told me that I wasn’t good enough & that God wouldn’t want me like that.

I spent most of my life in a downward spiral – toxic relationships, drugs, parties, gangs…. feeling like there was no way out and I wasn’t deserving of anything else.

I Hit rock bottom when I realized I was about to be a single parent; and that before my daughter was even born, that I had failed her by bringing her into a world where she'd be deserving of so much more than anything I could provide for her.

Even though I felt like I was a failure before I even began, even though could Never be good enough, Creator gave me hope and showed me grace by putting this tiny baby in my life.

By trusting me with this tiny life, Creator showed me He thought I was capable and deserving, even when I didn't think I was. When I felt like there was nothing left for me in this world, nothing worth living for, Creator gave me a purpose worth living for.

To quote one of my favorite songs "When I saw broken, beyond repair, too far gone, damaged & wounded, He {Creator} saw purpose in me, saw Healing, saw Something good in the making. Creator saw MENDED; a journey that was unfinished.

Creator Father showed me REAL GRACE when He showed me that there is nothing I could ever do that His grace hasn’t already paid the price, for me. Where I only saw my scars and mistakes, Creator saw the stories they would tell. He reassured me that he would not waste my pain & tears.

That little baby girl I was carrying, was God’s proof to me that all things, even my mistakes, can work for good. He slowly began mending my heart that was frail, dead & worn.

On the days that I feel that struggle creeping back in I KNOW I can turn to Him for strength because He has made Himself REAL to me through little miracles like that beautiful baby & the circumstances that brought her into my life. If I ever start to forget, I look into the clear Blue eyes of my little miracle and I know that my purpose is just beginning.

It doesn’t make the hard days easier, but it does give me perspective that I never had before.

I pray every day that the struggles will end, but I've come to understand that if it ends then I stop learning & growing, because that is what pain & struggle is for.

I just want to feel the peace and happiness that comes with sitting in God’s lap and knowing that He’s in control of everything around me.

I pray that Creator will help me love others the way He’s loved me. Show others who are hurting or broken, like me, the same grace & forgiveness on their journeys that He showed me during mine. I pray that He will give me grace to forgive the ones around me when I feel like I’m always the one beaten down & losing.

I share my imperfect story, holding nothing back because I firmly believe that we’re all on a journey and there’s someone out there struggling just like me. The odds are not against us no matter how lost we feel. We follow the God of the impossible and someone out there needed to be reminded of that.

Baptism is a public commitment to GOD in front of people you trust to hold you accountable. I wasn’t ready to make that commitment for a long time because I didn’t want to fail again; didn’t want to be a disappointment; didn’t want to let anyone down. But God changed my heart. I started to see everything more clearly the better my relationship with God got.

God used my beautiful daughter to save me from myself. He used motherhood as a means to bring me closer to Him & change our home and future.

I choose baptism because I choose God and a different future for myself and my daughter.

I still struggle with my self-worth, depression, and guilt, but with God at the helm of my life; there is hope where I didn’t see hope before.

“There's a war between guilt and grace- And they're fighting for a sacred space - But I'm living proof that Grace wins every time”